The Greatest Suck on Earth!
I know that the circus is a pretty cheesy/sad thing once you're an adult and outgrow whatever cool it had when you were a kid, but since I'm a father we've made it a tradition to go every year. And it's the big one, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey. Not some cheapo fly-by-night operation. Well, we went tonight and it was the lamest thing I have ever seen. Something seriously bad has happened to RBB&B. Whether it's cashflow problems or liability issues, I'm not sure; but let's compare this year's experience with the last three years:
Before:
Three rings
Cool Black Ringmaster
Bello, the awesome clown
Tiger show
Good, entertaining high wire act
High-flying trapeze artists
Now:
No rings, in fact a much smaller performance area
Fake "dad from the audience" living his circus dream
No Bello, just lame, unfunny clowns
No tigers. Just cats, doves, and dogs
No high wire act, unless you count the dove and cat on a 5-foot-high rope
No trapeze show, just fake "mom" swinging (and not in the good way)
About the fake mom and dad: The theme of the circus (since when do they have themes?) was Circus of Dreams. They brought one "lucky family" onto the floor to live their circus dream. Dad wanted to be Ringmaster, Mom wanted to be an aerial acrobat, sister wanted to be a "famous circus dancer" (an oxymoron if I've ever heard one), and the boy couldn't decide. So the whole night was about showing him things so he could decide what he wanted to do. In true suckjob fashion, the show ended with the boy finding his place in the circus by winning a video game and becoming King of the Circus. Way to carry through on that message of "use your imagination". Don't worry about actually imagining anything or choosing what your true heart's desire is. Just excel at video games and be important for that. Hella weak. And there was also the privilege of paying twelve fucking dollars for a snowcone in a collectible elephant cup. Utterly disgraceful!
The best things about the show were the Chinese acrobats (who performed the "video game")and the dirt bikes in the Globe of Death. The last time they did that globe was two years ago, and they crashed! Everything worked out well this time, though. They tempered that coolness, however, with a ridiculous strongman named Herkules who had less muscle definition than Liza Minelli. His big finale was catching a cannonball fired out of a "real cannon". You can't imagine how anticlimactic it was. The cannon lobbed the ball, slowly, about 15 feet, where he caught it more easily than when his "lifting partner" Sven tosses him the medicine ball.
You can tell how bitter I am, which is why I'm writing this tonight. I don't want the outrage to pass while I sleep. Heed my warning, all, and steer clear of the "Blue Tour" of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. It's not even worth it for the kids.
Before:
Three rings
Cool Black Ringmaster
Bello, the awesome clown
Tiger show
Good, entertaining high wire act
High-flying trapeze artists
Now:
No rings, in fact a much smaller performance area
Fake "dad from the audience" living his circus dream
No Bello, just lame, unfunny clowns
No tigers. Just cats, doves, and dogs
No high wire act, unless you count the dove and cat on a 5-foot-high rope
No trapeze show, just fake "mom" swinging (and not in the good way)
About the fake mom and dad: The theme of the circus (since when do they have themes?) was Circus of Dreams. They brought one "lucky family" onto the floor to live their circus dream. Dad wanted to be Ringmaster, Mom wanted to be an aerial acrobat, sister wanted to be a "famous circus dancer" (an oxymoron if I've ever heard one), and the boy couldn't decide. So the whole night was about showing him things so he could decide what he wanted to do. In true suckjob fashion, the show ended with the boy finding his place in the circus by winning a video game and becoming King of the Circus. Way to carry through on that message of "use your imagination". Don't worry about actually imagining anything or choosing what your true heart's desire is. Just excel at video games and be important for that. Hella weak. And there was also the privilege of paying twelve fucking dollars for a snowcone in a collectible elephant cup. Utterly disgraceful!
The best things about the show were the Chinese acrobats (who performed the "video game")and the dirt bikes in the Globe of Death. The last time they did that globe was two years ago, and they crashed! Everything worked out well this time, though. They tempered that coolness, however, with a ridiculous strongman named Herkules who had less muscle definition than Liza Minelli. His big finale was catching a cannonball fired out of a "real cannon". You can't imagine how anticlimactic it was. The cannon lobbed the ball, slowly, about 15 feet, where he caught it more easily than when his "lifting partner" Sven tosses him the medicine ball.
You can tell how bitter I am, which is why I'm writing this tonight. I don't want the outrage to pass while I sleep. Heed my warning, all, and steer clear of the "Blue Tour" of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. It's not even worth it for the kids.
posted by at 11:58 PM
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